What not to say to your cab driver

Well, so much for doing my hair.

I actually get complaints for arriving too quickly.

Do you know where you're going?

When I was new at this, I'd say, "Why yes, I'm going to take Market St. to F, then hang a left, and we're there." Now I say, "No" and leave it at that.

Do you think I'm attractive?

Only the least attractive people ask this. As a white boy from Middle America, I often respond with "Allahu Akbar."

Who was Caesar Chavez?

Answer: he invented tequila. I often drive Caesar Chavez Parkway, and people ask when they see the signs.

Are you making a lot of money tonight?

Yeah, I am. Please point the gun at my temple when taking it from me.

Why is the dispatcher so mean?

I explain that she makes $8 per hour in a city where a small house in a violent neighborhood costs more than $300,000.

Is Tijuana (or Mexico, in general) safe?

Once I said "nobody ever returns from there." The lady just said "ooooohhh". It's safe as long as you're not involved in drugs -- police stopping the cartel, the cartel, or reporters writing stories about the cartel. The only exception is that a high-level executive gets kidnapped once in a while.

I advise everyone to check their pockets and bags if they're walking back across the border. Once in a while somebody slips something into a bag and then they follow you through with plans on collecting.

Why do Middle Eastern drivers go so fast and blow through stop signs?

I get this question a few times a week. I don't know the correct answer. I suppose learning to drive in Cairo or Baghdad doesn't adequately prepare one for driving here.