'Why are all cab drivers assholes?'

I got this question tonight. You might be thinking that I've devolved into the stereotypical cab driver -- a sullen slob who prefers grunting to speaking English. Not yet! There are customers who deserve to be beaten, kicked, and cursed, and I never do that. If people are really irritating, I drive in silence.

For the question, "Why are all cab drivers assholes," the following are all valid answers for customers I've had:

1. You called three cab companies last time, and word got out. No city is so large that we don't know exactly who you are and where you live. That's why it took so long for me to arrive. I relaxed for an additional few minutes before heading to your house because I don't care about you.

2. You're too dumb to manage your window. If it's less than 60 degrees, put it up, or I'll do it for you. Same for rain. If it's more than 70 degrees, put the window down, or I'll do it for you. That wasn't so hard, was it?

True or false: I can tell just by looking whether you're smart enough to manage your own window. True. That's why the window is in the correct position for the weather, and your window switch isn't working.

(I sometimes get the feeling that my customers own cars that don't have windows. Until I started driving a taxi, I hadn't met anyone too dumb to put up a window when it's raining.)

3. The house you plan to stop at "for just a few minutes" on the way to somewhere else is a crack house, and we're not going there. Shush. Walk if you have a problem with that.

4. I knew how you smelled by how you looked, and it was confirmed when you sat down in my cab.

5. You aren't going to tip no matter how pleasant I am or how efficiently or smoothly I drive. I knew that by one or more of the following:

a) your pickup location
b) the way you look
c) your age
d) I've driven you before

6. I'm taking you the shortest and least expensive way regardless of your opinion.

7. You're wearing an obscene amount of perfume, and I'm choking back vomit.

8. When you start paying the cab lease, you can choose the station.

9. You're too drunk to remember your own address. Would you like you?

10. I'm paid to drive you, not to

a) carry your groceries up three flights of stairs
b) tell you that you look nice, when you don't
c) drive you across the street (this happens more than anyone realizes)
d) pick up your laundry while you watch TV

11. I disagree that

a) Bush is just like Hitler
b) Sea World mistreats its animals
c) Communism works
d) The federal government is drugging us without our knowledge

12. Your sense of entitlement didn't enter the car with you.